Holmes, scalding no more
by akaeve
Summary: written for a NFA challenge, inspired by friends. Tim dreams a dream. An Colin Doyle inspired story.


Holmes, Scalding no More

Dr Mallard was recalling and relating one of his usual long winded stories. Everyone had forgotten what the original question….or come to that the answer was. Someone had mentioned the United States Airforce, or had it been a US Naval Pilot, it really didn't matter as one Agent McGee, who had been up all night with the team and then had to write the sitrep, and who had spent the night before that writing and playing computer games…he was just one tired Agent, and all he could remember was Duks, going on about a place on the Yorkshire Moors. Holme on Spalding Moor. The Yorkshire Moors, dark, cold and foreboding. The centre stage, for three, of Britain's greatest, female classic writers, the Bronte sisters. _Jane Eyre_ by Charlotte, _Wuthering Heights_ by Emily, her only work and probably the most sung about and filmed story of all time, and then Anne, who wrote _Agnes Grey_ and _The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. _Ducky was relating how the small village had been a war time RAF site but handed over to the US as a reserve station during the cold war. It was about this point that boredom and tiredness finally took its toil…..

_Tim opened his eyes, he was lying on a sun lounger, the sun shining down on his pale skin, where was he again oh yes Gibbs' back garden….why? Tony's birthday. Tony had asked if he could have something a bit special this year since he was getting on a bit and never had had a real family birthday._

_"And what kind would you like?" Ziva asked._

_"Barbeque, birthday cake, and lots and lots of pop. I never had anything like that when I was a child." Tony had replied, looking sad._

_"Then that will be arranged. Jethro you don't mind if we use your garden do you? Thought not." before Gibbs had a chance to answer._

_So this was how it had come about, the Saturday afternoon nearest Tony's birthday, Dr Mallard had also turned it into an Independence Day celebration. Well that would have been Abby and Jimmy's idea. Abby had turned up as Marilyn Munroe, and Jimmy, as a Red Indian…Tim thought he should have asked the significance but what the heck. Tim was dressed as Elf-Lord, Duks, a cross between Highlander and Sir Sean, and Gibbs? He had just wandered off._

_The body, or what was left of the body was slowly roasting, on the spit. Gibbs appeared from behind the rhododendron bush, he was dressed in an outfit not dissimilar to that of a decontamination officer from some nuclear fallout, or was it a viral outbreak. Tim thought was it not a bit hot. But no this was Gibbs, he had been in Iraq._

_"Sobby" he shouted through the head piece._

_"Sobby." Tim questioned looking puzzled, watching Gibbs remove the head gear._

_"Sorry? Don't you understand plain English. I have been out there getting this." handing Tim the honey-comb._

_"Boss what am I supposed to do with it?" He asked, watching the golden liquid slowly begin to flow through his fingers._

_"Glaze over our guest." pointing to the body that was turning crispy on the outside._

_Tim got up and wandered over to Duks, handing him the comb._

_"Oh good, honey, I'll mix with the mustard, and smear the meat." Dr Mallard replied, smiling._

_"Yo….w'ats…on the Barbie?" Tony announced appearing from round the side of the house. He and Ziva were dressed as Bonnie and Clyde, Tim had to admit that they really had gone to town the Gangster look suited them both. No don't tell Gibbs, he might just make everyone dress like that._

_"Anthony, that is not Watson. That happens to one Chief Petty Officer Shylock Holmes." Dr Mallard replied._

_"Holme is where the heart is…." Ziva began to say._

_"I was thinking Holme, Holme on the range," Tony began to sing, "Where the beer and the…."_

_"Quite." Ducky answered, "But the heart is very much on the said grill."_

_"So you grilled him enough yet, to get a confession out of him Duks?" one Special Agent Gibbs announced appearing from the patio doors. He was carrying a Coors, and had changed into a very fetching Superman outfit. The lower regions emphasising a very well endowed man, showing that the sausages on the other hand had in fact shrivelled up to nothing. Jimmy wondered if Gibbs had done what pop stars of the 20th century had done and used the inside of a toilet roll. No Agent Gibbs would never ever stoop that low._

_"Jethro. I must say that you are ready for action." Dr Mallard said smiling, looking at the bulge in Gibbs' tights._

_"Thank you Duks, now we any closer to knowing what killed our Petty Officer?" he asked looking at Abbs, Duks and Jimmy._

_"No, but he was definitely hit on the head with a blunt instrument, I was thinking a baseball bat."_

_"Very good, Duks." Gibbs answered._

_"Then, stabbed in the back… before being ceremonially, bled out. Bit like a wild animal. I know Jethro you don't like intruders in your house, but was this not a bit OTT?" Ducky replied._

_"Duks, he got 10 seconds to explain why he was in the basement." Gibbs shouted._

_"And?" Allison Hart now asked appearing from said basement, "He was my client, but he wasn't going to pay my fee. Hey guys I'm a woman of substance, and like a magpie like shiny things."_

_"So after I belted him with the baseball bat you stabbed him?" Gibbs questioned._

_"No, I did with my stiletto." Holly Snow replied now approaching Duks._

_"She's my client too." Allison smiled, looking at Gibbs._

_"Whatever." He replied taking a slug of beer._

_Nobody saw Abby approach Tim from behind the BBQ._

_"What's this?" Tim asked of Abb, as she sprinkled the now glistening powder onto her hand._

_"That my little honey melons, is honey dust and I know just where I would like to put it. Here have a taste and a sniff….." Abby requested._

_Tim licked Abbs hand and as he did, sniffed the sweet dust into his lungs. He coughed, no spluttered…_

"Welcome back to the real world, McSnooozzle." He heard Tony whisper in his ear.

"Sorry, I only had this feather handy." Ziva now said smiling at the bleary eyes of Tim.

"Glad you could join us." Gibbs shouted looking at Tim, "I want that sitrep on my desk like yesterday. And you could also find out what killed our latest victim."


End file.
